The Sad Tale of a Would-Be Good Samaritan & Things That Are Dead

*** This is a true story. Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent ***

Wait. Change that. There were only three characters in this story: one is dead and the other barely spoke English.  I'm probably safe.

A few years ago I was on my way to work when I saw something odd ahead of me on the road. There was a little old man standing in the center of a rather busy street next to a small, blanket-covered object. There are five lanes total on Mollison Avenue - two east, two west, and a center turn lane.

As I got closer, I saw the man holding what appeared to be a cup of coffee and he just kept looking down at the blanket. And I thought, "Oh crap. Somebody's dog's been hit and no one is even stopping."  Cars were just whizzing by, and this little old man is standing there alone.  I felt bad.

I do realize that rarely do bereaved people enjoy a cup of coffee while gazing at their deceased pet, but somehow that didn't occur to me before I pulled into the center lane.  

As I got closer I noticed a large puddle of fluid on the asphalt and thought, "Ugh. It's going to be messy."  I had just noticed a funny-looking tail, and then I heard myself say, "Do you need some help?" 

"Yes," the man said, gesturing at the blanket. "Coffee." I didn't quite understand what he wanted me to do, but I did lift the blanket and this is what I saw:

*It was an actual dead raccoon.  This butter rendition is simply

 

less graphic.

     "Coffee," the man said. "He needs coffee. Then I put in car and take to vet."

     "I don't think coffee will help. But I will put it in the car for you. Let's get him out of the street first." I grabbed the raccoon's little paw and carried him to the curb.  He was stiff as a board. "I don't think he's alive, sir. I'm sorry."

     "No. Coffee, and then you take to the vet." He pours more coffee on the dead raccoon.

     "Me?  I'm not putting him in my car!"

     "Not blood on him. It's coffee. Put in your car."

     "I'm not putting a dead raccoon in my car."

Right about then I see three police cars heading our way...