No Casseroles, Please....

It seems a little odd (even to me) to be writing of epitaphs on Jessica's birthday.  But I actually was thinking about her turning 20 (shitting!) and somehow that led me into thinking of epitaphs.  Epitaphs are a source of amusement and conversation among us as we struggle to come up with the one that we think will sum up our respective lives.

Mine:

1. "Still vacuuming with no bag attached" (voter favorite)
2. "Dogs liked her."
3. "If there's no God, who's laughing at us?" (okay. not really an epitaph, but still a great quote)

Diane:  "Back in 5 minutes" (after 20-plus years as a sole proprietor, even she needed to pee)

Stewie:  "Stewie's dead. Quick. Good things are going fast. No casseroles, please." (yeah, none of us really get it.  That's more like a funereal notice than something to carve on a headstone, but what the hell!)

Tab: "Bon Vivant"

Matt "Always"

Jess:

1. "Took no prisoners."
2. "Never looked back" (it was a sign of weakness)
3. "Wore pants and took a helmet."

Allan:  "HERO" (of course)

Larry hasn't weighed in this; mostly, I think, because it's a girlie-weekend kind of thing when it comes up, usually right after we exfoliate.  He probably needs to though.  Otherwise, we'll come up with one for him.

Then I started thinking about what epitaphs or one-liners I would choose for some of those who are or have been near-and-dear to me. Some are from songs. Some are from the Bible.  Some I don't know where they came from...

Mom -- "My Ride is Here" a Warren Zevon songs from the last albun, which leads into...
Dad's potential epitaph:  "ENJOYED EVERY SANDWICH!" (more than once, as well as his weight in Tums)
Woolee's -- "I'll be the greatest fan of your life" (and he was)
Grace: "Perfect." ('nuf said)
Maria: "and then she died very old and full of years"
Toby: "What Dog?" (also a runnerup for Dad's headstone)
Annie: "None Better" (and there wasn't)
Thomas  "No mas, Thomas"

And I can't forget Bonnie: "Perfectly Bitchy. Bitchily Perfect."



Aww....

Random Thoughts and/or Moments that Make You Go Huh. #1

So I was driving home from Dorian's last night and when the traffic report came on, I changed the channel.  Unbelievable.  After years of commuting and living by the radio' s report, I suddenly realized that it doesn't matter anymore.  There is nowhere I go routinely that is impacted by the hideous SoCal traffic.  Ahhh, bliss....

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A couple of years' ago, Liz and I went to the tradeshow in Denver.  When we got to the hotel that night and Liz called home to check in, Jimmy asked: "Why'd you take my toothbrush, Liz?"  Ewww, just ewww.

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Dad never, ever cursed.  He used to say, "For crying n a bucket," or "Hell's Bells."  One of his favorite sayings, however, is "Stop when you hear glass breaking and smell sh***t."  I don't really get that one.

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I had an epiphany the other day.  It seems like every time I try to buy glasses, they're always a little tweaked.  So I was in Kohl's and trying on sunglasses, when I finally realized:  maybe the problem isn't the glasses at all -- maybe my ears are crooked.

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I might actually be the laziest person on earth when it comes to food.  Truly.  I'll dump milk on oatmeal and eat it cold before I'd microwave it.  When Allan's out of town, I drink the same pot of coffee all week, 'cuz I'm too lazy to make new.  When Allan is in town, I walk down to the kitchen, pour enough milk in my coffee so I can stand at the sink and chug it.  I don't want to have to remember to bring the mug back down to the kitchen.  Hmm, I wonder if there is something deficient in my mental health.