A Mother's Day Letter to my Children on Memorial Day.

Well, it's mother's day and I'm thinking of my children and why I like them. It's so much easier to remember what they've done wrong and when they tick me off, but I am grateful that I got the ones I did and here's why (see disclaimer below)

1. Jess - for riding to the airport for a once-in-a-lifetime vacation to Europe with a trash bag full of hay balanced on her head because it wouldn't fit otherwise with all the luggage. In my defense, I was trying to fit three Watlingtons, Jess, all their luggage into the Trailblazer, and dropping them to the airport on my way to show my goats at the fair. I didn't have time to double back; and really does anyone need to take both a travel guitar AND a banjo to Europe (Tom!)
2. Both - for coming over and riding the Becker's backyard zip line with me last summer. It just proves we're never too old.
3. Larry - for leaving on his birthday several years ago to fly to NJ to take care of Grandma when Grandpa was suddenly hospitalized. (and to Matt for staying with Mom and Dad til Larry got there)
4. For the following conversation:  "Jess!  Come here.  I need help shoving the bookcase out the window!"  "Wh-what?"  "I said, Come here.  I need help pushing the bookcase out the window." -- moment of silence --  "Let me get my shoes on."
5. Larry - for sitting with me after I had my mastectomy while I slept most of the day. I may not have acted like it (I was asleep), but I knew you were there and I appreciated it.
6. Larry - for still letting me use power tools around him even after I nearly went through his knuckle with the drill.
7. Jess - for being a make-it-happen type of girl. From finding jobs to parking at the airport and catching a flight to Tucson for a horseshow -- she never breaks a sweat -- or fakes it really well.
8. Larry - for having a rabbit.  I mean, c'mon.  How many young single guys do you know who rescue a pet (much less a rabbit) and still have it 5 years later?

And the Number One reason I like my kids:

For going hotair ballooning with me when Jess gets home in a couple of weeks!  Yeah!  (I may have failed to tell them I have already bought the tickets) 

But Happy Mother's Day to Me!

disclaimer: the above list was fashioned in no particular order, showing neither favoritism nor preference for either one or both children.  love you guys!  Mom

Mother Daughter Road Trip -- Day 2

So Day Two of our fabulous road trip began with breakfast at some lovely restaurant in Kingman, Arizona, before heading to the GRAND CANYON!!!!!  It was looking a little barren as we drove --

and then we stopped for gas.  Thank God we'd already had breakfast,
 so we DID not eat at the Roadkill Cafe --

a little farther along, we could see some snow on the mountains.

And then we got to the park entrance.
and there was snow!

 

So we looked for the Information Center --

where we found the
BATHROOMS!

And then we talked to the park ranger.
"Where is the best spot to view the canyon?" said I.
And the ranger pointed out all the turnouts on the map.
"Yes," said I. "But where is the BEST spot?"
THERE
IS
NOT
A
BEST
SPOT.
NO
MATTER
WHERE
YOU
LOOK
IT'S

OVERWHELMING,
MAJESTIC,
AWE-INSPIRING,
AND

Scary as all get out!

Do you see how sheer that cliff is???

Do you see how close those eejits are standing to the edge --

in the snow???

According to the park rangers, an average of 6 people fall to their death annually.

I can count three of them right now...

A Letter to My Daughter on Her Birthday... well, 19 Days after Her Birthday

Dear Jessica,

You recently turned 20. I wanted to do some sort of a -- I don't know -- photographic history of your first 20 years. And I wanted to tell you how I am so proud of you.  And how much I love you.  And how I would do anything for you.  And how I know I am not a perfect mother, but I have tried to be a good mom.  Then, as I went through the old pictures, I found some pics that really just summed up you.



Do you see that picture above?  Look, I'm pregnant.  That's you hiding under that pink tent.  That's probably about the last time I ever really had control over you....

 ...now look at the pictures below... that face...that face...

That is the face of a girl who ripped off her shirt and threw it into the giraffe enclosure at the Animal Park because she didn't like the shirt (damn you were quick).  That is the face of a someone who came running to me crying that she had cut her finger -- trying to shave the dog's tale with my razor.  That is the face of someone who never believed in "no." That is the face of YOU.

(Didn't I ever tell you not to make that face; that it could freeze that way?)

The next group of pictures called to me as well.

Once again, I have tried to be the best mother I can,

and I know I have made mistakes,

but some things you just can't hold me responsible for:

you have a certain style, Jessica, you certainly do.

Love, Mom

(ps don't make fun of your sister, Larry.  I have many, many more photo albums)

No Casseroles, Please....

It seems a little odd (even to me) to be writing of epitaphs on Jessica's birthday.  But I actually was thinking about her turning 20 (shitting!) and somehow that led me into thinking of epitaphs.  Epitaphs are a source of amusement and conversation among us as we struggle to come up with the one that we think will sum up our respective lives.

Mine:

1. "Still vacuuming with no bag attached" (voter favorite)
2. "Dogs liked her."
3. "If there's no God, who's laughing at us?" (okay. not really an epitaph, but still a great quote)

Diane:  "Back in 5 minutes" (after 20-plus years as a sole proprietor, even she needed to pee)

Stewie:  "Stewie's dead. Quick. Good things are going fast. No casseroles, please." (yeah, none of us really get it.  That's more like a funereal notice than something to carve on a headstone, but what the hell!)

Tab: "Bon Vivant"

Matt "Always"

Jess:

1. "Took no prisoners."
2. "Never looked back" (it was a sign of weakness)
3. "Wore pants and took a helmet."

Allan:  "HERO" (of course)

Larry hasn't weighed in this; mostly, I think, because it's a girlie-weekend kind of thing when it comes up, usually right after we exfoliate.  He probably needs to though.  Otherwise, we'll come up with one for him.

Then I started thinking about what epitaphs or one-liners I would choose for some of those who are or have been near-and-dear to me. Some are from songs. Some are from the Bible.  Some I don't know where they came from...

Mom -- "My Ride is Here" a Warren Zevon songs from the last albun, which leads into...
Dad's potential epitaph:  "ENJOYED EVERY SANDWICH!" (more than once, as well as his weight in Tums)
Woolee's -- "I'll be the greatest fan of your life" (and he was)
Grace: "Perfect." ('nuf said)
Maria: "and then she died very old and full of years"
Toby: "What Dog?" (also a runnerup for Dad's headstone)
Annie: "None Better" (and there wasn't)
Thomas  "No mas, Thomas"

And I can't forget Bonnie: "Perfectly Bitchy. Bitchily Perfect."



Aww....

Frequent Flyer Miles

The Story of a Pony

This is the story of a pony:  Silver's Bonnie Lass, a registered Shetland pony, who came to live with us many, many moons ago.   Stewie* bought Bonnie as a yearling and gave her to us when Emily outgrew her.  Bonnie was fourteen, and Jess was four. We've had Bonnie for 16  years.  Add it up.  What a lucky pony to have belonged to only two families, and how lucky we are to have Bonnie.

Bonnie was Jess's first pony.   We had Bonnie shipped down to us from Chico when we still lived in Lakeside.  We gave Bonnie a day or two to settle in, although Jess was dying to ride her.  On about day 4 or 5, I got Bonnie out and lunged her around the front yard before I let Jess get on her.  Bonnie raced and jumped and bucked and farted before she finally settled down.

I knew I was in serious, serious trouble...I knew I was in deep s**t...I knew it was the end of life as I knew it because Jess ran up to Bonnie --  who was starting to sweat -- threw her arms around the pony's neck to hug her, and exclaimed: "Oh, Mom, she smells soooo good!"

*Stewie is one of Diane's best friends, who in turn, has become one of my best friends -- we have played horsie-swap more than once.  Emily is Stewie's daughter, who has grown up to be delightful.  Thomas is Stewie's son, Jess's first-and-always-love, who is delightful, but needs to grow up and remember how much more delightful he used to be....

The Zip Line Personality Test.

I have two lovely children.

 Larry is my firstborn -- isn't he gorgeous?

and here's Jess -- isn't she a stunner?

(That's Manny, who's been Jess's best buddy since 3rd grade, on the right.  He was not her date that night...hmm why not, Manny?)

So aren't my children lovely?  Do you think if I described them you could figure out which one I was talking about by their pictures alone?

 We'll give it a try.  I'm going to give the following clues regarding Child "A" and Child "B".  Both of my kids were perfect babies, but ----

"A" was never able to entertain his/herself (unfortunately), and usually found some way of getting into trouble if left alone.

"B" was able to spend hours playing with toys and puzzles quietly.

"A" never cared what he/she looked like before going out to school.

"B" was meticulous in his/her grooming, and spent time each morning from 3rd grade on doing his/her hair.

"A" struggled through school, never turning in assignments or studying for tests.

"B" was an honor student. 

"A" once drove to school barefoot, only to find there were no shoes in the car and had to drive home.

"B" doesn't go outside without shoes.

"A" can't find his/her toothbrush.

"B" has never had a cavity and actually likes the floss Santa put in the Xmas stocking.

"A" is a bit of a dare devil who does wildly impetuous things.

"B" would go skydiving, but only after consideration and planning.

Okay, so look at those pictures again.  Who is child A and who is Child B?  What if I were to tell you that I have devised a personality test that is guaranteed to show a child's real personality.  It's the new ZIPLINE TEST.  Look at the following photos and see by the way my two kids tackle the Becker's zipline you can determine their personalities.....

Why You Should Pay Attention to Your Parent's Boring Stories... or "Lima, It's More than Just a Bean."

My mom always told us stories of her family and her life "way back when."  Some of them I paid attention to, some not so much.  Anyway her family was from Lima, Ohio, originally; then they moved to Condee, S.D., to farm.  She was born there.  Her dad was Edgar Cyrus Holmes and her mom was Zitella "Stella" Holmes, nee Jacobs.  Stella and her younger brother were orphaned and taken in by a family that Stella was working for, so Mom didn't know if Jacobs was her original name or if she took the name of the adoptive family.

So Mom told this story about Stella's grandfather....I think. (this is where should realize where my title comes from!)  Or it might have been a great-uncle.  I can't remember.  Anyway as the story goes, this man murdered his wife and was hung for it in Lima, Ohio.  According to Mom, he was the first man hung in Lima and the rope used to hang him is in a museum there.

Lo and behold, I had a judging assignment last spring in Wapakoneta, OH, and stayed in Lima.  Talk about fate.  Well, I had some time to check out the town a little, and there is no rope hanging in a museum.  I drove through the town and it is a lovely little Midwestern town, with lots of trees and sweet houses.  But no sign of a rope used to hang my great-grandfather.  But back at the hotel, I found a travel guide talking about the first public execution in all of Ohio, and it was in Allen County; in fact, it was in Lima!

JCA does PR

Jess is in Puerto Rico.  She and Kelsey, her friend from the equestrian team at Rutgers, flew down to spend 10 days hanging out with a family friend.  I think Jess may be the luckiest little turd on earth.  This was her email to Allan and me this morning.....


"Hola mami y papi,



Puerto Rico is wonderful. I'll write you a long email since I haven't gotten to talk much in detail about things here.


For starters, we landed in Aguadilla at 12:45 on Tuesday morning and met Pablo the Puerto Rican and were picked up by Francis. It was only a 40 minute drive or so to Fran's house is Cabo Rojo. We stayed at his house that night, woke up the next morning and ate breakfast made by his mom (fritadas and home-made tortillas) and then loaded the car up to go to his camper at the beach.


Let me tell you a few things about this camper. It's a one bedroom, although I would just call it a one-room, with a bathroom (with shower) that is about the size of our closet in the foyer. I'm not exaggerating. Outside, there's a patio/sitting area that's divided in half by folding doors that opens to a semi-outdoor kitchen. The camper is also in Cabo Rojo (five minutes from Francis' house) on Buye Beach (Playa Buye). It has three beds, one of which is a bunk bed, and yes the three of us sleep in there. I know he has cooties, but I haven't gotten itchy yet.


Last night Francis had three of his friends over, Pedro, Phillip y Laura. (It's not Laura, it's LOWra -- naturally.) I taught them how to play the card games golf and spoons, which they loved, and they taught us some Spanish. Pedro is thinking about going to Rutgers for a baseball scholarship, so atleast now he knows us.


This morning we slept until 10, woke up to find out we had no water for some reason, so we went kayaking to a cayo (small island). We figure salt water is better than no water for a shower. Tomorrow we're going to Old San Juan, doing some really tourist-y things, and on Friday we're going to a river that's in the middle of the island to jump off cliffs and swim! I'm so excited! After that, we're going to check out caves around the island and on Sunday or Monday we're going ziplining somewhere. It's allegedly the longest one in the world, but I guess we'll see.


Phillip is supposed to take us out on his boat one of these days, and we're also supposed to go to a discotec one of these nights. And Pedro taught me how to do the merengue, because Kelsey was too embarrassed to dance, but you know me. I don't mind making a fool of myself much.


Funny story: when I practice my Spanish with Francis and his friends, they tell me I sound like a Mexican and have a Mexican accent. Gee, I wonder why? Turns out I apparently know a lot of Mexican slang, and they just laugh at me.






Anywho, that's about all I have to tell as of now. Seems like a lot since it's only my third day here! I'll email you when we have a signal. I'm having a ton of fun, but I miss home! I love you guys!






- su hija


p.s. Mom, Francis says there are no lifeguards here... I wore a vest when we kayaked though, just to make you feel better."

God, I love my kids!  They are awesome!  They crack me up.

(ps "Pablo the Puerto Rican" is a Border Patrol agent that Allan knows who's stationed in PR.  Allan called in a favor and had Pablo meet the girls and check everything out.  Pablo will be on high alert for the rest of the week. Sometimes it pays to sleep with a drug cop!)