No Casseroles, Please....

It seems a little odd (even to me) to be writing of epitaphs on Jessica's birthday.  But I actually was thinking about her turning 20 (shitting!) and somehow that led me into thinking of epitaphs.  Epitaphs are a source of amusement and conversation among us as we struggle to come up with the one that we think will sum up our respective lives.

Mine:

1. "Still vacuuming with no bag attached" (voter favorite)
2. "Dogs liked her."
3. "If there's no God, who's laughing at us?" (okay. not really an epitaph, but still a great quote)

Diane:  "Back in 5 minutes" (after 20-plus years as a sole proprietor, even she needed to pee)

Stewie:  "Stewie's dead. Quick. Good things are going fast. No casseroles, please." (yeah, none of us really get it.  That's more like a funereal notice than something to carve on a headstone, but what the hell!)

Tab: "Bon Vivant"

Matt "Always"

Jess:

1. "Took no prisoners."
2. "Never looked back" (it was a sign of weakness)
3. "Wore pants and took a helmet."

Allan:  "HERO" (of course)

Larry hasn't weighed in this; mostly, I think, because it's a girlie-weekend kind of thing when it comes up, usually right after we exfoliate.  He probably needs to though.  Otherwise, we'll come up with one for him.

Then I started thinking about what epitaphs or one-liners I would choose for some of those who are or have been near-and-dear to me. Some are from songs. Some are from the Bible.  Some I don't know where they came from...

Mom -- "My Ride is Here" a Warren Zevon songs from the last albun, which leads into...
Dad's potential epitaph:  "ENJOYED EVERY SANDWICH!" (more than once, as well as his weight in Tums)
Woolee's -- "I'll be the greatest fan of your life" (and he was)
Grace: "Perfect." ('nuf said)
Maria: "and then she died very old and full of years"
Toby: "What Dog?" (also a runnerup for Dad's headstone)
Annie: "None Better" (and there wasn't)
Thomas  "No mas, Thomas"

And I can't forget Bonnie: "Perfectly Bitchy. Bitchily Perfect."



Aww....

Lima ... the rest of the story

Well, I accidentally hit the publish button on the previous Lima post instead of the save button.  So, in fact, I'm guessing it wasn't all that interesting after all.  But here's the rest of the story...

Remember that I was Ohio judging when I decided to investigate the story that my mom told us numerous times about my great-grandfather being hung for murdering his wife.  I had just found out that while there was no museum or a rope as Mom claimed; Lima had indeed been the site of the first public execution in that state and the convicted man was hung for murdering his wife.  Well, that piqued my interest, so I came home to San Diego and did some Internet research (of course).
Look what I found:


File contributed for use in USGenWeb Archives by:
Judy Woerner judyw0113@yahoo.com May 7, 2006, 4:50 pm

Lima News January 29, 1928
ROPE IN SHERIFF’S OFFICE IS REMINDER OF ALLEN-CO HANGING
Lima News, January 29, 1928
Excerpts from the article:


"For more than five decades a piece of rope has hung in the office of the Allen-
co Sheriff. It is part of the rope that was used to hang ANDREW BRENTLINGER
on Friday, April 7, 1872. He was the only man ever executed in Lima.
BRENTLINGER, a resident of Shawnee-tp, stabbed his second wife, Sarah, to
death on October 24, 1871 and dug and buried her in a grave a short distance
from their home.
After his children gave the alarm, the murderer was found and although he had
swallowed poison, medical assistance saved his life.
A trial was held before Judge Mackenzie. BRENTLINGER was found to be guilty
and sentenced to be hanged January 20, 1872, however, the governor, RUTHERFORD
B. HAYES, granted a reprieve of 100 days.
Two days before the hanging, the BRENTLINGER children and grandchildren called at the jail. His aged father and his brothers did not visit him. His attorneys, ISAIAH S. PILLARS and C. M. HUGHES, visited him the following day. With them was T. E. CUNNINGHAM, who had assisted in the prosecution.
The night before the hanging the prisoner could hear the talk of a threatened mob. Fifty men were assembled to guard the jail. The prisoner arose early on the morning of the execution and ate a hearty breakfast. A Lutheran minister, Rev. BARTHOLOWMEW visited and offered prayer and readings from the Bible. The condemned man acted unconcerned through it all.
On the day of the hanging Sheriff COLBRATH led the prisoner to the scaffold. It was erected in the corridor of the jail and BRENTLINGER stepped from the landing of the stairway onto the death trap. Spectators remained on the main floor. The sheriff read the death warrant and the condemned man was asked to make a final statement, but he remained stoically silent. The black cap was adjusted while Rev. BARTHOLOMEW chanted the hymn “Eternity Is Waiting.” The trap was sprung and the scaffold disappeared from under the man. After BRENTLINGER’S body was prepared for burial, his bier was placed on the street where everyone could see him."

Mom talked of this story many, many times as I was growing up; but she didn't supply any true particulars and didn't even know her own mother's true last name.  Mom died of complications of Alzheimer's in 2005, so we'll never really know what the true story is. But it certainly leaves a question in my mind... how about yours?

Why You Should Pay Attention to Your Parent's Boring Stories... or "Lima, It's More than Just a Bean."

My mom always told us stories of her family and her life "way back when."  Some of them I paid attention to, some not so much.  Anyway her family was from Lima, Ohio, originally; then they moved to Condee, S.D., to farm.  She was born there.  Her dad was Edgar Cyrus Holmes and her mom was Zitella "Stella" Holmes, nee Jacobs.  Stella and her younger brother were orphaned and taken in by a family that Stella was working for, so Mom didn't know if Jacobs was her original name or if she took the name of the adoptive family.

So Mom told this story about Stella's grandfather....I think. (this is where should realize where my title comes from!)  Or it might have been a great-uncle.  I can't remember.  Anyway as the story goes, this man murdered his wife and was hung for it in Lima, Ohio.  According to Mom, he was the first man hung in Lima and the rope used to hang him is in a museum there.

Lo and behold, I had a judging assignment last spring in Wapakoneta, OH, and stayed in Lima.  Talk about fate.  Well, I had some time to check out the town a little, and there is no rope hanging in a museum.  I drove through the town and it is a lovely little Midwestern town, with lots of trees and sweet houses.  But no sign of a rope used to hang my great-grandfather.  But back at the hotel, I found a travel guide talking about the first public execution in all of Ohio, and it was in Allen County; in fact, it was in Lima!